You really are confusing yourself. Realize you are trying so hard because you are starting from the premise God must not exist. The reason you do that is because of the hostility infusing you everywhere throughout all your flesh, from your body to your soul, even to your spirit. All of you is hostile to your Creator as you were born into sin, but God created you with free will and the ability to respond to His saving grace. Most mercifully, the Holy Spirit continues to woo you, but you keep erecting a brick wall. There is no other solution to this than your eternity in Hell.
Start from the evidence instead of your hostility. Wipe your slate clean. The evidence tells us nature could not always have existed because you would have happened already, having had an eternity to do so, so
the universe could not always have existed, so time and space had to come into being from outside of time and space. This outside time and space uncreated Creator is whom we call God and we know who He is specifically: non other than Jesus Christ as multiply testified by the disciples who spent 3 years with Him and saw Him alive from the dead in various group settings. Amen.
Since you are unable to find a naturalistic explanation for the origin of the disciples' beliefs and all known possibilities have been accounted for it therefore must be true Jesus was raised from the dead, died for the sins of the world and resurrected Himself from Abraham's bosom on the third day. Amen again.
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