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Thread: Thanking God

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    Default Thanking God

    A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.

    She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened. The baby sitter told her that her the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

    The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

    So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head. The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

    The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

    He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."

    The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

    The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"


    A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk about it." After about a month the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They again went to the father's study where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut!"

    The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair...." To which his father replied, "Yes, and they walked every where they went!"


    Things you never hear in church..............
    1. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
    2. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
    3. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
    4. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
    5. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
    6. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he/she can live like we do.
    7. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
    8. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
    9. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.
    10. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
    11. I couldn't find space to park outside. Praise God!


    This millionaire wanted take some of his money to heaven with him when he died, so he talked to God about it beforehand. He told God that he had lived a good life and all he wanted was to bring a little of his fortune with him. God finally agreed, but told the millionaire he must limit the amount to whatever he could fit into one suitcase.

    The millionaire decided to make the most of it by comparing American dollars, French Francs, Japenese Yen, and every kind of currency available in the world to see to it that he fit the most possible into the suitcase. Finally, he decided the best he could do was to exchange his money for gold and place that in the suitcase.

    When he died and arrived at Heaven's gate, St. Peter asked him what was in the suitcase. He told St. Peter that down on earth he had been a millionaire and that God had given him permisson to bring some of his fortune with him, as long as he could fit it into one suitcase.

    St. Peter told the millionaire this was most unusual and he would have to take a look inside the suitcase before he could determine whether the millionaire could enter the gate with it. The millionaire opened the suitcase and St. Peter said, "Oh, yes. That's just pavement, please come in!"


    The Pope had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport. Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile.

    Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds to hop on Route 95 and starts accelerating to see what the limo could do. He gets to about 90 miles per hour and, WHAM, there are the blue lights of our friendly State Police in his mirror.

    He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Seeing who it was the trooper says "just a moment please I need to call in."

    The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief "I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."
    The chief replies "Who is it, not Ted again ?"
    The trooper says,"No, even more important."
    The chief replies, "It's the Governor, is it?"
    The trooper replies "No, even more important."
    "It's isn't the President is it?"
    "No, more important", replies the trooper.
    "Well WHO the HECK is it!", screams the chief.
    "I don't know" says the trooper. "But he's got the Pope as a chauffeur!"


    A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an stethoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?" "Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."


    It seems a cowboy from Colorado skipped church one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The cowboy stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit. Finally the cowboy crashed into a boulder, sending his rifle in one direction and breaking both legs. As the bear closed in, the cowboy cried out in desperation, "Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me and save me! Lord, please make that bear a Christian." Suddenly, the clouds parted and a beam of light shown down on the bear. The bear skidded to a halt at the cowboy's feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and said, "God, bless this food which I am about to receive."

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    Any other good ones?

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