i was always a freethinker/skeptic

im worried i did the unpardonable sin by denying what i knew was right
(christianity) and worse off, praying to satan, and getting an answer.

i had been hearing voices telling me to turn from my path o looking at
world religion and consciousness amd psychology. the voice said if you
keep doing this you will burn in hell forever. i heard oter voices
too, i hear people talking about me, i ave thoughts bounce around in
my head.

at one time i wasmdesperate for divine help. (previous to all of this,
i would feel moved by christians witnessing to me buand sometimes i
tohght that i t was right and i would admit it when i was older...)

so i was wanting divine help, i also thought that satan would tell me
the truth and maybwe givine me knowledge for help on a musical
instruemnt, or just tell me the truth about god

so i tried playing a devil intercal on my instruemnt a perfector
diminished 7th, i cant rmeember, its from a solo called "vox
gabrielli) the voice of gabrielle, also in a tartini piece the devils
trill

so i was high on weed at the time and overwhelmed by demonic voices
and thoughts, and i thought i heard satan. i heard voices saying "we
wil lgive you what you want"

i didnt want to saty yes but i wold hear a weak voice inside me say
yes, i heard rage and anguish and laughing, people shouting "fool" and
i eard a voice saying your soul is mine and another voice inside
saying yes, i kept on wanting to say no no, but i didnt think it
worked. becuase i have felt doomed ever since, andi have heard voices
telling me, its too late, you are doomed, you know what you did


and when i pray to jesus i hear a voice say im sorry, go away, it too
late, i cant help you, no etc

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before tis happeed

Sometmes I t was like people were tlaking about whatever was on my
mind, other times aboout things I didnt think I was thinking about

at first the voices had to do with fears of mine

people would talk about my sexuality (i am straight, possibly bi, I
think everyone might be bi) and voices (people around me) were calling
me gay

i had a lot of problems wit my folks and at home so people would call
me a jerk, evil child, abusive child etc

in the height of a delusion and on marijuana at the time, I started
calling out for supernatural assistance trying to stop voices and
delusions

i didnt think god was answering

so I got on a musical instrumenrt and played the devils interval
(perfect seventh) trying to get satan to respon

he did, the experience teerrified me

i had knowledge that he existed which was what I wanted (i just wanted
an answer from some form of divinity)

i heard voices inside me talking, some yelling at me

i can have your soul now! Anorther weaker terrified voice said "yes"
i didnt think I wanted to say yes

as I start to analyze my situation from a jungian situation, I think
part of me did want to live out this bizarre hopeless myth but tharts
another story

right now I am in a world where I feel doomed and hopeless, knowing
after I die I will be tormented forever, fried in oil, things of that
nature

i thik I have psychic ability, able to read others tohughts (not when
I want to of course)

i especially have a conection with other lost souls, witches, =damned,
evil children, bad seeds, etc

i try callignthe m out in public, interoggatig them without actually
asking "hey did you sell your soul too?"

i hear them say yes its true, its real, its horrible

just shut upo and stop worrying about it, turn your brain off

i guess these are all complexes from my shadow (according to jung)
talking to me

and I had an archetypal experience with the devil

my rational side doesnt beleive in christ an all rhat

altohugh sometimes voices seem to want me to go back to christianity

well im glad I found this place

i will post up my whole story from a psychological standpoint to
explain what happened
yes, tis is what makes sense to me. that man manifests reality and looks at life in temrs of the associations he has been taught/picked up wit certain myths, avatar figures, archetypes ad oter ideas.

but im dealing with intangible mmbo jumbo now

i wonder if christianity is really right.

i go on sites like "christiananswers.net and am perplexed, it seems so silly and so obviously psychological

but then again

i did blsheme

i did "have a feeling" precvious to this, and on several times, that jesus was real. i just attributed it to brainwahsing, ad to feelng good becuase i "knew" that jesus was associated wit savig someone from ell and sending to heaven.

christians and the bible ad sites dont stand up to intense scientidfic questioning i thoght. i still think

bt now im like, well jesus, it doesnt make any sense to me but ibeleive

and i hear a voice saying, sorry ,it is too late. i hear you calling but it is too late

i didc all on satan after all. that means i called on what was evil

maybe i tohught evil was good, thereby thinkig that jesus was bad, which is blasphemig the holy spirit.

this is maybe what i did.

even now
'
if i convert, i dont nkow how will save other souls.

college kids will come at me with their dumb questions, i could convert most people to christianity you realize. most anti christians dont know how to argue against christianity. i can do it, but if i was a chrisitan i wouldnt know what to tell them

i would say. i know. its crazy. just hope that heaven is gonna kick ass, becuase its completely funking crazy!

of course i am in love wit the world, i like indians and i like vodou "cults"

if i wnet to a missionary there, would i feel like i was in the unclean presence of evil. n i woud not. i dont understand. why can i understand christian arguments, but they cant understand my arguments.


i can see how everything is psychological and made up of complexes and associations in the mind..

god seems revealed through humans reaching beautiful potential and beauty

i see this in all faiths and walks of faith

or maybe i dont

maybe im deluded into loving the world
im too scared of ell

i know that christians sometimes say this isnt a reason to ecome christian

i dont nkow how to get my mind around hell

i dont care

teir arguments are absurd

its basically like this

"god is completely waco but he can be wacko, we beleive he is god and can do what he wants, we somehow define this whole thing as love and we use reason sometimes but when confronted with reason wego th parts of the bible that dsecry reason, also, it doesnt seem wacko to us becuase its god. and if you think its wacko, too bad, it is still god."

when christians use "logic" or try to "reason"

it makes me wNT TO PULL MY EYES OUT.

but ineed to surrender and be saved. im going to a church thi sunday. a girl i like goes there, if ibecome christian then she might like me, as it stands she will only marry a christian. i just want to be right with god nd with ahave a girl that loves me, and then i will devote my life to feeding children and spreading the gospel

hopefully the part of me that loves worl culture will be burned out by gods love. i will make christian music, everyrhing wil lbe ok, i can still follow my passions and be a christan. well i can be a christian in accordance with my talents i suppose, i see what i can contribute to the christian movement. great food from heathen cultures, and christian music with most of its musical influence from heathen music. i will finally go tohaiti and finally learn creole and ten i wil lstart converting yorubans from their evil cult. i will go to india too and convert all of them as well. the whole world will be converted. maybe the reason i had a love of all these other cultures was so it would be easier for me to convert them

but i peoabably wont convert.

there is a voice inside me telling me its too late.

i think i blasphemed against the holy spirit.

the feeling that makes me think jesus is real. i had it before all this started.

i still get it sometimes, but i feel that it too late anyway

there is a voice saying "no" "no im sorry" its too late. sometimes the voice says "all you can do i spread te message"

i must have really contacted satan

and blasphemed.

before my voices got this bad i heard a voice saying "if you follow this path, you are gonna burn in hell forever" now its too late. the voic tells me its too late. i didnt heed the warning and it is really too late i fear.