Does hell mean eternal torment or simply that you cease to exist?
I am an only child. When my parents divorced when I was only 5 years old my mother didn’t think I was worth demanding child support for, and the sperm donor never paid what the divorce judge told him to pay anyway. I’ve had no contact with him since 1983. I wouldn’t give you 2 cents for all of his family combined. My mother’s family is all dead except for a nephew, but I wouldn’t give 2 cents for them either.
My mother has been nothing but a detriment to me since the day I was born- 10 weeks premature. I was supposed to have been stillborn; she couldn’t even do that right.
I’ve lost count of how many times my mother has told people with more than 2 children, “I learn from my mistakes- one husband, one child”.
I was raised in an environment of verbal abuse and physical neglect.
I grew up wanting to be a doctor. My high school grades were very good. But my mother exiled me 600 miles to go to a college that I didn’t want any part of, so I barely graduated with a degree in biology. I wasn't even asked what schools I wanted to apply to.
When I got out of college I wanted to open a non-profit college prep school for Christian students. I contacted about 250 local churches, but not one of them had classroom space it was willing to let me rent or borrow. I gave up on the idea and was working as a private tutor when my mother’s brother died and I inherited a fair amount of cash. But since my mother handled the paperwork my money went into her bank account. She doesn’t want to spend any of it.
I wanted to use the money to build a school. I could afford the materials but I couldn’t find any church that is willing to provide the necessary land and volunteer labor.
I have looked for a pastoral position, but of the hundreds of churches I have contacted only one asked me to go through any kind of interview process- a freewill Baptist church in Mississippi asked me to fill out a questionnaire. But that church hasn’t even bothered to acknowledge that it received my answers.
Churches where I live won’t answer their phone during business hours, and churches on the net won’t even acknowledge my prayer requests.
My mother has had lupus since the mid-1990s and I am her only caregiver. And I myself now have congestive heart failure, severe high blood pressure and arthritis that will likely cripple me if I live another 10 years. I took bp drugs for almost 2 years and now wish I had OD’d on them before I decided to stop taking them altogether due to the side effects- that my doctor says don’t exist.
I would like to buy some property and set up an organic farm. My father’s parents were expert vegetable growers; my mother’s mother came from a North Carolina farm family. I’ve been around gardening my whole life and I have had my own garden almost every year since 1981. But when I told my mother what I want to do she pitched a fit and essentially says I am too stupid to know how to run a farm. I have the know-how since I have had my own vegetable garden almost every year since 1981, but I will need help with the physical labor involved because of my health. I cannot find anyone willing to help.
I am in constant physical pain because of my health. I am in constant emotional pain because of my existence. And nobody gives a damn.
I do not accept any blame for the misery I am in; I have not chosen to have the misery I have. I did not choose to be born so none of my misery is my fault, so don’t try to lay that guilt trip at my door as so-called Christians on other boards have done. If I cannot earn my salvation by my works I certainly am not going to accept that I can earn my damnation by my works.
And don’t tell me to wait on God because God has made it all too obvious that He wants nothing to do with me.
Now, what I want to know is what is hell? What can I possibly lose by killing myself?
